Chow Mein Might Be Responsible For India’s Rape Epidemic

Richard was greedy; thieves and politicians usually are, but in jail rapists are considered to be the lowest scum on the chart.

Story by Phil Sick - Illustrations by Maureen Keeney

Illustration ©Maureen Keeney

Lately, the media have shown us how being a woman in India is still pretty rough business nowadays. Of all people, the Hindus should know that rape isn’t good for your karma, but rotten apples grow all over the world I guess… Anyway, lately it has been everywhere on the news. We’ve been witnessing a rape epidemic, and lots of Indians (regardless of their gender) have started protesting. Despite recent economic progress and their great spiritual heritage, Indians still face some pretty absurd paradoxes.

It seems that after a great number of rapes being reported, some people have taken some unique positions indeed. For instance, a political leader named Jitender Chhatar has stated on television that this rape frenzy might be triggered by the excessive stress accumulated by students, the poor bastards, in fact, don’t have time to eat a proper family meal and therefore seek nourishment from fast food, such as “chow mein” and other street foods. Mr. Chhatar is instantly becoming famous worldwide with this obscure theory that has rape linked to particular diets, not even lifestyles as a whole. You’ve got to give the guy some credit though; I know I do (Sure, for being the biggest doofus in the world). Think about it, if you watch the video you see two startled Indian female journalists that introduce Mr. Chhatar who starts yapping his inane bullshit with the same stern expression of some health expert stating some super important discovery. This crazy fool went off just like this: “To my understanding, consumption of fast food contributes to such incidents. Chow mein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts,” This guy, a resident of Jind’s Chhatar village and thua khap panchayat leader, would’ve remained obscure to many westerners until he came up with this exhilarating statement. Though, it isn’t that funny if you live in this guy’s village and you’ve got breasts (Sorry, I just ate some lychees, apparently there is a theory stating that lychees make you be particularly prone to making politically incorrect statements).

Illustration ©Maureen Keeney

At the same time, I’d love to go pay this politician genius a visit. Follow him and his wife when they go out buying groceries (Maybe he doesn’t let her leave the house) at the market. I’d follow the two, snarfing a huge pot of steaming hot chow mein while lasciviously eyeing the missus. I imagine Mr. Chhatar urging his wife to walk faster because, “We’re being followed by one of those white devils that get so horny on chow mein, they can’t control themselves…” Being the gentleman that I am, or simply a normal guy who considers rape to be a heinous act, I’m sure I wouldn’t possibly be able to control myself and would start jacking off (pretending at least) with a hand in my pants while strings of chow mein run down my greasy chin just to ridicule Mr. Chhatar. I would then give my best apologies to his wife, whose only crime is having married this crackpot.

“C’mon, who is this guy…? Like, I understand he isn’t a comedian. All the same… who writes his speeches? Silvio Berlusconi high on… I don’t know, chow mein…?!”

I know the issue is a very important one, and it certainly calls for some serious journalism, but India is one hell of a place, and if you get people so whacky, you can’t just pretend they don’t exist and carry on with your daily routines. Also, the village freak isn’t alone, there is also this Hindu guru called Asaram Bapu who blames the original twenty-three year old rape victim, saying that “The six males are not the only culprits. The victim is as guilty as her rapists… She should have called the culprits brothers and begged before them to stop… This could have saved her dignity and life. Can one hand clap? I don’t think so.” Well, alright Mr. Bapu, I love the little haiku about the one hand clapping, but for the love of Shiva get a grip on reality because all this “air” coming from your mouth is making you levitate… The man obviously said that his words were taken out of context. Well, if I didn’t know for a fact that Tricky Dick Nixon was dead, I might’ve thought he went to India to work as a political advisor for good old Asaram, but, maybe I’m being a little hard on Nixon here. Even he wouldn’t condone gang rape… Richard was greedy; thieves and politicians usually are, but in jail rapists are considered to be the lowest scum on the chart. That is why rapists are often put in different cellblocks, other inmates wouldn’t think twice of murdering them in cold blood. It happens in jails worldwide. It’s harsh, but jails are often a world of their own, with unwritten rules, rules of a concrete jungle…

Illustration ©Maureen Keeney

Now, I think this outburst of sexual assaults in India isn’t the result of the chow mein diet, nor the fact that their kids aren’t marrying in their teens anymore (A lady on television said that if one marries at sixteen, than he doesn’t need to give into his lowly urges). Simply, women are starting to report these kinds of crimes more. It isn’t shameful to be raped; it is actually the other way around. The general public is getting more aware of women’s rights. Ignorance and cultural misconceptions, not fucked up diets are responsible of these sexual crimes. The fact that the media is writing more about the subject, stirring up consciences, and triggering debates mean that some people are headed in the right direction. Obviously, the empowerment of women takes more time in some countries and less in others. This doesn’t mean that women have not struggled and continue to in the western world, in Brooklyn Heights like in Tennessee.

Tonight, I feel like going out with my girlfriend to some Chinese restaurant. She’ll be free to order only chow mein, as I am her one and only master. My Baba told me so. We will then split the check, as it is only fair in 2013, and then hopefully, if that Indian politician whose name I already forgot is right, she will throw me on bed and take me like a savage. Guys, Chinese noodles’ only sin is that they are yummy, and if you want to rob a bank or kill your parents, do not try to blame it on your diet (even if you’re diabetic and get sugar rushes). It won’t hold in court. Not even Lionel Hutz would advise you to take that line of defense…

2 Responses to “Chow Mein Might Be Responsible For India’s Rape Epidemic”

  1. Annamaria Vacchelli says:

    Recently the sad story about the young girl raped and killed was everywhere on the news but it is not a single accident in India or in other part of the world.
    Rape has been one of the most common crime in human history, victims of rape stigmatized as dirty and liar in most cases.
    Women of today are overthrowing the myth of femininity; they are beginning to affirm their independence concretely but it does not come easily for them to live their human condition successfully.
    Virile prestige is far from being eradicated; still stands on solid economic and social bases.
    Phil Sick, well said about the lychees! They do make you prone to make politically incorrect statements.
    Chow main make me horny too.

  2. phil says:

    Then be careful with peanut butter…