POV

Le Fish Bombsgiving

One can only imagine the endless possibilities that could occur when one kicks a flaming turkey into the East River

Story by Shay Neary - imshaybutta@gmail.com Photos by Teo J. Babini Video by Max Power and Daniel Cardona

Le Cigarette Photo ©Teo J. Babini

What does Thanksgiving mean to you? During our history classes in school, we’re taught Indians brought the corn, the pilgrims brought the turkey, and they convened at a large table after years of savage and puritan wars. Uh huh… Is that so, oh wise textbook of spewed lies? Is Thanksgiving just a random holiday; where you eat turkey, stuffing, and cranberry sauce with the family and watch football? Or do you go out to eat? Maybe you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving at all and it’s just another day of the year. Well, here at CBK, we like to celebrate with a BANG! Literally, in fact, so much that we bought a turkey, filled it with butane and fireworks, and then decided to blow it up! I always seem to get the calls that involve doing something strange. “Its cause I’m a tranny isn’t it?” Well, in this case, it had nothing to do with that, yet again; sometimes a woman just wants to pull the “transsexual card.” I just can’t win with these people-loving junkies.

For those of you who don’t know, here in NY, it’s illegal to buy fireworks if you live in state. But in the town that I’m from in Pennsylvania, they sell them all year round, in little shops, next to the highways. I happen to be an expert on these festive explosives… I have family in the business. I actually know so much that my editor calls me saying, “What type of fireworks would we have to use to blow up a turkey?” For most, this would be a strange question, but I answered confidently, “Two M80’s or a quarter stick of dynamite. Turkeys are thick, so you need something with blasting power.” She responded, “You expect me to go out and find a stick of dynamite for sale to the public? You’ve got to be kidding?!” I was rolling laughing; not kidding, but I told her I would take care of it. So I contacted my uncle to see if he would sell me the dynamite.

Le Turkey Bomb Photo ©Teo J. Babini

This was his email response:

Dear Niece,

As much as I’d love to help you take over the world, I don’t trust giving you a stick of dynamite, for the fear that you are crazy enough to do more than blow up just a turkey with it. I do trust that you wouldn’t ask unless you truly needed something. Because of this, and because I love you, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is a recipe for a bomb that isn’t dynamite, but will do the job. (attached below) They are illegal in some states. So please be careful. I once threatened the neighbor’s dog with one… Do not use explosives on live animals. 😛

Recipe: 50 … (red preferred) <My uncle said they have to have … in them.> Strapping Tape (a roll or two) Electrical Tape (same) (You need enough tape to wrap the … 6 times over total) Remove … from containers, place side by side tightly, make … side flat with the ground. Take center …, pull half way out. Starting with the electrical tape, wrap the bundle once, but don’t cover the top. Take the strapping tape, wrapping extremely tightly, wrap over the area where you placed the electrical tape. You don’t have to cover the whole stick area, just 1/2 of it. Repeat process 4 more times, wrapping over the top area once, but leave space the size of a nickle at the top uncovered with the fuse … hanging out. Once you’re done, you have a mini bomb! Be Careful!!!

Love,

Uncle

Le King of New York Photo ©Teo J. Babini

I sent this recipe to my editor, who then thought she would never be able to fly ever again, because she was being flagged as a terrorist and was now being watched for getting a bomb recipe in the mail. She, unfortunately, did not bring us the bomb recipe items from Pennsylvania. But she did bring those crappy firecracker/sparker trash fireworks… What a blow off… So we decided to buy butane and pour it all over the turkey after stuffing it with the wannabe fireworks.

So, the crew and I headed out to Williamsburg with Le Fish and our turkey in a white garbage bag. We ended up filming next to the Domino Sugar Factory, in a little park made for viewing Manhattan. For all of our readers, I’m informing you that this area is a “pickle park.” This means you pull out your “pickle” and the right amount of cash, for which you can get a one on one session with a professional “pickle eater.” They will swallow your pickle with the enthusiasm of a goldfish at feeding time. It’s quite the sight to see. Occasionally, the “pickle inspectors” show up, and then production shuts down for a bit.

There was a group of professional “pickle eaters” out tonight with their “manager” and they were all watching the skyline of Manhattan. Uh hmmm… Their “manager” had a giant white van with a mattress inside for “pickle production.” They were quite enthralled, in fact, with our turkey production. The one professional “pickle eater” must have had some sort of problem with her bottom half, because she kept sticking her hands in her pants and scratching her snatch vigorously. She must have caught some crabs, being we were next to the harbor, of course. Nothing like a bath in sea salt to rid one’s self of the crabs! Also, their “manager” was fooling around with his lighter like an asshole, intent on messing up our scene. I would have punched him below the belt, but a classy lady like myself never touches things that might bite back. Crabs love chicken and fish; they all make a great paella dish when mixed.

The turkey and Le Fish had their moment in the stars for Thanksgiving dinner, butane and all. One can only imagine the endless possibilities that could occur when one kicks a flaming turkey into the East River. I could have sworn I saw Whitney Houston floating in the water next to that turkey, but then again we were next to a factory that makes white powder for a living… So you never know, right? Still too early? Our CBK crew, Le Fish included, had a blast in Williamsburg and were thankful that everything went pretty smoothly. I’m thankful I spent Thanksgiving week with Le Fish and the boys. Even after we left the “pickle park,” I wondered if those professional “pickle eaters” where going to have “pickles” for Thanksgiving dinner, or if they were going to cook off the crabs instead. Let’s hope they skip both, and try to dig the turkey, or Whitney, out of the water. Gobble Gobble!

All of us here at CBK hope all of your traditions; humble, fun, or none at all, went as well as planned.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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