Eat

Fuck Juicing!

How can you sit there eating a falafel, French fries, and a green juice?

Story by Shay Neary - imshaybutta@gmail.com Photos by Icarus Blake
Photo © Icarus Blake

Photo © Icarus Blake

Juicing is extremely evil… Making fruits and vegetables into juice is not new in the least, but since the days of Jack Lalanne’s infomercials, juicing seems to be, unfortunately, making a resurgence of mass proportions. So there’s information out there that fruits and vegetables can boost our immune system. They protect us against cancer. They help with weight loss and one-third of Americans don’t get the recommended, five to nine servings of vegetables and fruit a day. (LIES)

Have you noticed, lately, the large amounts of places selling “green smoothies” and “organic juices” in store windows around the city? Just on my block where I work, three new juicing places have sprung up in the last five months. My entire staff is obsessed. It sickens my fragile digestion system! How can you sit there eating a falafel, French fries, and a green juice? Not to mention that that six-ounce juice probably cost you more than the damn falafel, the basket of fries, a round trip on the MTA, a new lipstick and ten packs of playing cards.

Photo © Icarus Blake

Photo © Icarus Blake

I’m not a small woman at all, but don’t get me wrong, I love to eat, and I don’t mean a salad. Healthy isn’t my game, but I try to sneak in something light once in a blue. I have had these juices, I have tried to digest and process their disgusting puréed vegetable flavor, mixed with sweet fruit juices to cover up the gross shadow they cast. No… No… No… I would rather eat some vegetables and fruit. Simple. People are in LOVE with this juicing concept because of three things; convenience, mental deception and trends. I’m not falling for this load of nutritional shit.

Convenience is for the people who don’t want to spend the time actually eating healthy. If you have a fruit salad with breakfast or throw some bananas in your cereal, you’ve covered your fruit daily intake. If you have some carrots and snap peas with ranch and possibly some baked veggie chips as a snack during your day, you’ve covered three of your veggies for the day. Besides, who doesn’t have veggies with dinner? These juices make it simple. “Oh! I can eat like a fleeting cow, now that I’ve had my daily intake of veggies and fruits!” Douche Bag…

Photo © Icarus Blake

Photo © Icarus Blake

Mental deception is for the individuals who want to make you, and themselves, to think they’re healthy. Have you ever been out to dinner with someone who reads a dining menu like a Fortune 500 magazine? They analyze, make faces, say things like, “with cream sauce!?” and “mashed potatoes?! Ugh..,” Then they question the server twenty times, trying to create something on the menu that didn’t exist, by taking bits and parts of different meals put together. (Servers hate these people) They want you to believe they’re healthy. When, in all reality, they are trying to convince themselves that they eat healthy, before they go home and finish off the entire Entenmanns Coffee Cake. Depressing…

Trends are for the human population. We LOVE to be in the know. We all love to seem like we are cool because we know stuff. I love meeting girls who say, “OMG, this mango smoothie has strawberries, mangos, wheat grass, bananas, a vitamin shot of A, B and C, and several types of infusions including (but not limited to) ginseng, green tea, magnesia, rhino horn, monkey foot and was blessed by a Tibetan monk. It even comes with this awesome little pamphlet on where the stuff in it is from. Uhmmmm… (sips) So organic, so fresh!”

Photo © Icarus Blake

Photo © Icarus Blake

Fuck your juice… And your several extremely organic, moronic infusions. I don’t care if this juice was made in the ball-sack of a small giraffe. If you are willing to pay seven to fifteen dollars for juice that doesn’t come by the gallon, you need to be fondled by Canadian geese during mating season. You are foolish. Take some advice from a big girl with a great intestinal track. Stop the trends, stop the mind fuck, and eat a fucking apple. Simple. It’s just as convenient and lets your body break down some fiber. You don’t want your friends calling you Runny… Honey.

Kisses! Xoxo
-Miss Shay

One Response to “Fuck Juicing!”

  1. Ebru says:

    Actually as a once upon a time vegan and a dedicted juicer i find the writing to be very fun to read. Fun perspective and dun pbotos.